My friend Laura got a girlfriend, and that’s the last I saw of her. Before the gf came on the scene, Laura and I would catch a movie together once a week or so, have dinner out and talk about the dearth of good women to date. Then, she found a good woman, and Laura did like every other lesbian I know, she vanished into domestic bliss and coupledom.

Inevitably when a single lesbian meets a mate, in the rush of new love she completely neglects her old gal pals. Some of them hole up to have non-stop sex for months on end, some don’t want to take their new catch out in public and risk losing her to another woman, and others think now that they have found their other half, they don’t need anyone else.

In Girl Scouts we sang a little ditty that the situation calls to mind: “Make new friends, but keep the old…” But Laura had evidentially forgotten the refrain.

Eventually, these lesbian amnesiacs will come around. Of course I don’t wish it on them, but if their relationships falter or fail, they suddenly find your number. But barring a breakup, it seems the factor that leads friends back to their friends is time. It usually takes about one year.

Such was the hibernation period for another friend, Jennifer. After months of sporadic phone calls and her excuses for canceling get-togethers, I scratched Jennifer out of my little lesbian black book. Nearly a year later, I spied a vaguely familiar looking woman in the mirror in ladies room at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel at the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center’s Women’s Night, and it was Jen, with new highlights, funky new eye glasses, a MAC makeover Boy George would tumble for and her new hairdresser girlfriend Myrna on her arm.

We squealed like straight girls to see each other. It was as if my long-lost friend had been found, like on one of those reunion shows where sisters who were separated at birth finally meet at an airport with bouquets of flowers and lots of teary relatives around. Jen was back. Back among the living lesbians who do things in a group or see their old friends without the new girlfriend stuck to their hip.

While I am delighted when my AWOL friends reappear, I am a bit resentful of their long absences. It isn’t fair that I have to endure a year without them, and I concluded, without conceit, that it isn’t good for them to do without me either.

The truth is, this 12-month desertion is as bad for the couple as it is for the forgotten friends. As new lovers nest and retreat from greater lesbian society, they lose touch with their individuality. They cut themselves off from all the diversity, stimulation, opinions, challenge, drama and support that come from others outside their primary relationship.

After a year of self-imposed quarantine, a lesbian may recover and reunite with her former friends, or she will stay in isolation and risk being consumed by Rubyfruit Jungle fever, which will eventually run its course, burning out the relationship. Then she will be not only single again but perhaps friendless.

To remain healthy in a new romance, we need to go back to our Girl Scout friendship ode and remember, “One is silver and the other gold.” We need to pledge not to disregard those who were our friends in need, and not just when we need them. For us, the forgotten ones, we need to stage an intervention. Don’t give up. You hear that Laura? That’s me calling, again. Pick up, for your own good.

K. Pearson Brown is a writer and public relations director living in Los Angeles. She is currently writing her first novel, You'll Never Eat P*ssy in This Town Again. Your letters are welcome at LezTalkWeho@aol.com.

Is it easier for lesbians to act straight?

Kathy and I run a support group for women who are coming to terms with their individual sexual orientation. The question came up if it is easier just to act straight than to tolerate homophobia. Since many women were interested in our take on this, we thought we'd share our response.

I'm glad this topic came up. There are several ways in which women handle the “acting straight” question and basically what Kathy and I have seen lesbian women do in this situation is the following:

1. Choose to act "Straight": These women choose to be something they are not to conform. to society. Sometimes it is purely society that forces them into being who they are not or that their life up to that moment forces them to decide that they are going to be straight no matter what. They may be married with kids, and they choose to be straight for the kids' sake, or maybe they have been raised with "Hell and Damnation" religion and they are terrified of who or what they may be. The women we have met who are in this situation tend to not be the happiest people in the world, as they are denying their authentic selves. They not only make themselves unhappy but also their families because they are not really present in their lives.

We have met so many depressed men who wonder why their wives do not love them or why their wives will not be intimate with them. We've also met lots of kids who wonder why Mommy is so sad or angry all the time. This can go on for a woman's whole life, where she never really is who she is meant to be, and it makes everyone around her miserable in many ways.

A lot of people who live like this, both men and women, are so homophobic that they make everyone who may be different from them miserable. When they find out someone around them is lesbian they will run that person into the ground and make her life as miserable as possible. These are the people Kathy and I refer to as "The Real Closet Cases."

Now don't get us wrong. Some women can live this way and be fairly happy. Many times they fulfill their true needs with other things. They may be great mothers to their kids, and OK with their husbands. They can do a lot of good for many people, but they have to choose to push the energy it takes to hide their real selves into other avenues that are more positive for them and society in general. Sometimes women do this, but other times that energy goes into negative things like alcohol or drug abuse, or sadness and depression.

2. Choose to act "Straight" to the outside world but screw around with women on the side.

This is very detrimental to everyone involved for the woman who chooses to live like this because her whole life is based on lies to everyone around her. She will lie to the woman she is having sex with to keep that part of her life intact. She will lie to her husband to keep him in her life. She will lie to her kids, her family and her church to make sure she is accepted by them all.

Sometimes a woman who lives this way will use a lesbian to have sex with and then throw her away when the going gets rough. I know about this behavior. personally as I was involved with someone like this when I was young, and it was the worst time in my life. I've never seen anyone who was truly happy being this way, other than women married women who and sneak time together in a lesbian affair, living what they believe is "The best of both worlds."

3. Choose to never have intimate relationships with men or women.

These women used to be called old maids and some do great in this lifestyle. They fill their lives with friends, jobs, hobbies and/or community service. Some become nuns or celibate ministers in a religion that accepts women in that position. Some are pretty happy, as they are independent and live their lives to the fullest. They may be lonely at times but they usually have a nice group of friends for social activities. They don't have to put up with making love to men, which would really make them ill if they had to do it, and they are living their lives how they see fit. Most of these women can provide for themselves with no problem, and many are very happy living on their own.

4. Choose to be who you really are.

Sometimes this is the hardest thing to be, because it's tough to have to work and fight for who you are. If a lesbian chooses to be honest about her life, to be who she is no matter what, it can be rather scary and full of lots of change. You have to be the one who decides if you need to change who you are to be happy in your life, like where you live, and your plans for the future. You may have to move to a location where there is more of an accepting community that will help you with your new life and you may have to leave your old life behind. You have to be willing to reach out and get help and support from people in your new community. Standing in the truth of who you are can be hard but it can also be the best thing you've ever done for yourself because you are free to be who and what you were born to be.

There are probably about a million other ways to be a lesbian in this world, but these are the basic ways we've seen that women cope with who they are. We can not stress how important it is for women to get good educations so that they are never forced by lack of money to be something they are not. There are many women who stay in their straight lives because they can not afford to do anything else. Some are controlled by either their husband's or their family's money, so get the best education that you can afford so you can be free to be the real you.

Take time for yourself to weigh out all the options, and before you choose, make sure that you think about what your choices could cause you, or other people in your life, in the future. It's your life, and it's up to you to do what you think is best and right for you and to make yourself as happy as possible.

Tracey Stevens and Kathy Wunder are the co-authors of Lesbian Sex Tips: A Guide for Anyone Who Wants to Bring Pleasure to the Woman She (Or He) Loves and How to be a Happy Lesbian: A Coming Out Guide. Their website, www.AmazingDreamsPublishing.com, provides more than 1,500 free community services for lesbian and bisexual women worldwide. Contact Tracey & Kathy at www.amazingdreamspublishing.com/contactform.html.

 

 

One of the most difficult things to do as an older lesbian is coming out to your kids. There really is no formula to make this as painless as possible but there are some things you can do to make it easier on yourself and your children.

Be comfortable with your sexuality: Be certain that you are comfortable with being a lesbian. There really is no point in trying to come out to your kids if you yourself are not at all sure about what being a lesbian means for you. You have got to remember that this coming out process is really about YOU and not the kids. If you are not at ease with your sexuality, you will run into a sticky spot when they ask you questions. And you can be certain that they will have a lot of questions to ask.

Be clear in your mind why you want to tell your kids about your sexuality: There are all sorts of reasons to want to come out to your kids. Maybe because you do not want to lie to them anymore, or you have met a significant person who you want to bring into your life and therefore theirs. Whatever your reason you need to be clear about it and keep it in mind for the possibly rough days ahead

Timing is everything: Don't do it when there are other big issues to deal with or when they have some big news of their own. You need to choose your timing appropriately

No distractions: Again when you are telling your kids something as momentous as 'mummy is a lesbian', you need to choose a location where they and you will not be interrupted. A quiet room at home with the tv off and the telephone off the hook would be more appropriate than at a restaurant.

Make sure they understand what you are telling them: All too often you walk away from a heart to heart with your kids only to find they have totally misunderstood what you were sharing. When you come out to your kids as a lesbian, be sure that they understand what a lesbian is and how it will impact on them. Make clear this is not a phase you are going through or that you are being trendy

Be totally honest with them: The news you are about to give your kids is going to change things dramatically, no matter how delicately you put it to them. They will have a lot of questions, some of them difficult. You need to be prepared to answer their questions and answer them honestly.

Have no expectations: Your coming out as a lesbian to your kids is about you. But you would not be human if you did not play out scenarios of their responses out in your mind. The truth is your childrens' response is almost always never what you expect. Have no expectations of their responses. Some kids will be supportive, lucky you, some angry and others indifferent. The indifferent response is always the hardest to deal with.

Finally you must let them know that you love them, no matter what and that you are here to listen if they want to talk

Good luck!

Dylan Rocks is compiling a list of lesbian movies with reviews at www.moviesforlesbians.com/Movielist.

Article Source: EZineArticles.com